No Longer A-Dora-Ble

I'm all in a tizzy. Or as Dora would put it, estoy en un frenesí!! And I feel like I have a good reason why. Last week, I saw on the news where Dora The Explorer was getting a makeover. No big deal, I thought. She could use a longer shirt. Lord knows I don't always enjoy seeing her little belly day after day, and, let's be honest, those two stray hairs on top of her head need to be plucked. No big deal. Boy, was I wrong. Here is current Dora, the Dora Abby and I, and millions of other kids have grown to love...
...and here's the new, updated version Nickelodeon revealed last week. They will only give the public this silhouette, but as you can see, she's thinner, has longer hair, had lost the shorts and taken up a super-short mini skirt, and, well, has grown up. And I'm not happy about it. Not one bit. Especially when I asked Abby who that was in the picture below. She looked at it, waited three seconds, and then replied, "Mommy!" Argh. Albeit flattering, it was not exactly the answer I was hoping for.
I have grown to love chunky, non-matching, kind-of-dorky-but-hip-in-a-strange-way Dora. She's the kind of girl I could be friends with. I could sit by her on the bus, call her to double check Spanish homework, ride bikes with. Heck, she's the All-American-Mexican girl next door. :) This new Dora seems like the kind of girl straight out of the movie Mean Girls. You know, the girl who sits at that lunch table, surrounded by cheerleaders and football players, thinking of ways to humiliate girls like the old Dora. Know what I mean? Oh, woe is me!

Sure, last year parents were up in arms because Strawberry Shortcake got a hip, new makeover. Well, I don't give a hoot about Strawberry Shortcake. I give a hoot about Dora. And she seems to be growing up waaaaaaay too fast for me.

I can just see the changes now:

• Dora drops uncool "Backpack" for super cool "Satchel".
• Instead of Children's Place, next season's shows will be sponsored by Gadzooks.
• There will be 3-5 episodes a month that won't feature Backpack because, as we all know, we should never go through a girls' purse at that age.
• The "Come on, vamanos" song will now go a little something like this: Come on, vamanos. Everybody, let's go. Come on, let's get to it. I know that we can do it! Where are we going? To get my nails done! Where are we doing? To try on bikinis! Where are we going? To the tanning salon!! Oy.
• Titles for the new episodes include "Dora's First Kiss...with Boots!" "Dora and Isa Get Their Navels Pierced" and my personal favorite "Dora's Feeling Bloated."

And here's how I imagine Backpack's new segment will go:

Hola! I'm Backpack. Dora needs you to help find her lip gloss. Is this her lip gloss? No! That's her High School Musical 3 DVD. Is this her lip gloss? No! That's her Midol. Is this her lip gloss? No! That's the Grey Goose she stole from her mami and papi's liquor cabinet. Is this her lip gloss? No! That's her thong. Is this her lip gloss? No! That's her brochure for Planned Parenthood.

Yeesh. Are we ready for this new Dora?? All kidding aside, I'll give it a chance. But if my soon-to-be-two-year-old starts asking to grow her hair out long and drink a Slim Fast or two to slim down a bit, I think I'm going to go loco.